1st Phase of My Life 

Last night was agonizing. I couldn’t get the answer why I was so emotional and crying again and again. I was sure that I will be strong and withstand the situation before my decision. But I found myself repeatedly tearing out after deciding. Even if I attend tale or group chat it didn’t help me to cheer up. I repeatedly look up his photos, his voice chat, his facebook page and his wechat profile. I turn off my phone but again after few minutes I found myself typing text to inbox him. However, I controlled myself and scold myself that I can’t do that.

I listened to all the chats that my other siblings were doing in our wechat group. They were talking about my grandfather’s condition who was bed rest for more than a month and now my grandmother is also sick. My mom she is already suffering from leg and joint pain. Usually I used to get so worried to death and I can feel their pain. But this time, that pain was nothing. It seems I was keeping it aside from my unbearable pain. This went for 2 or more days but I felt long time that night. I slept in tears and woke up in tears. The night seemed to last longer.

I woke up the next day early morning and for a moment I thought it was a bad dream. But I saw my laptop kept open, my research paper for toxicology still open and facebook logged in and knew the bad dream is indeed a reality. I made up my mind to forget everything and believe that everything happens for good. But it was excruciating. I missed my class at 8am as my head and heart was too heavy as if I have carried thousand kilograms of weight. My alarm rang at 7am but I turned off and went to sleep again. Later, I regretted for setting alarm as I realize I don’t want to open my eyes. I wish I can be in deep sleep until that pain goes away. But that alarm chases away my sleep and things started coming into my mind.

Whole day I try to keep myself busy doing things one after another but still at times I feel like the sharp and pointed knife tear apart my two chambered heart. It hurts me so much and I couldn’t hold my tears even if I was in crowd. While in the room I kept my door wide open so that I can see people coming and going and it will help me to cease my tears falling. Yet, it was falling down and I could see few drops on my chair. I shout at myself that I have to make my parents happy. In order to make them happy I just need to follow whatever they decide and do what they want. But it rings only in my head, my heart wants only him.

Occasionally, I hate myself for being naive, not putting my words into action. I hated myself for letting emotions to over take me. I hate myself for being so sympathy and soft hearted. I used to be a good resistance to any circumstances but when I needed the most to resist this time, I completely fail. I couldn’t withstand the pain. I let the tears to drop and waited for its completion, but it seemed to be endless. Forget about the meals, even the coffee I drank to gain energy was reluctant to flow through pharynx and esophagus. Rather it started choking and ceases my appetite. Then I realize the dialogue used in love stories, in novel and movies are not just exaggeration. It really has a deep meaning. Back then, when I was not in love, I just make joke out of it and felt funny. But now, when I have to face this reality, it’s overwhelming my ideology. My well planned routines were demolished, making me uninterested in any events. Why this feeling is so power that pin me down on earth. It seems like chemical reactions were stop inside my body. The blood circulations lost their ways because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen to breath, strength to walk, talk and to think.  Only the tear glands function well that it produces sufficient tears in my eyes.

On the 3^rd day of devastation I reconstruct my principle that true love exist in this earth. Parents cannot depart a soul which is made out of true feelings. Now, I am going to work hard to make them happy and show the world that wealth can be lost if we have it,  and acquired if we don’t have. I understand that money talks, and I also understand that my only parents dream is to make me successful and want the best for their children. But, if we are born poor that’s not our problem and if we die poor then it’s our problem. So, it’s all up to us how to lead the world and make it work.

Parents should also consider the other side of the family. They will also want their son or daughter to get the best. They also expect their son or daughter to marry highly qualified and wealthy influential family.  So, until we have good health, wealth could be made anytime. And remember we are not here to stay forever. We have to leave everything and resign from this world, that time we cannot take wealth, name and fame.